Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
