Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
In other news, I just burned my penis
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
