I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
