I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
