I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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