Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
