I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I intend to get homeless drunk
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
