So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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