I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
