my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
