Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
