Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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