dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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