my mouth tastes like poor choices
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Floor bacon is actually really good
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
