So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
