Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
