Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
