Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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