Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
