I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
FUCK WHALES
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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