The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
