I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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