moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
