She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
