I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize