So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize