dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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