I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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