My first STD was from a foam party
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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