my phone needs a breathalizer
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
