My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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