I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
