I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
