I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
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