My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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