i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
