I seem to have left my pride at pride
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
