I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
