I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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