Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
