the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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