dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
