is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
