Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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