sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize