I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Do vagina's smell?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
