The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
