i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
