The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
