She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
