I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I would fuck him just for his dog
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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