this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
