how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
