We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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