turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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