I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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