yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I am midnight drunk by noon
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
