I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
