It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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