WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i will never coherently bang her
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
